The Cult of Starbucks

Starbucks is a cult, and anyone with common sense knows it. Don't beleive me? Look at the sinster, evil nature of the logo. Look at the cultists, at the secret followers, who plot our demise right under our noses.

Let’s start off with something so essential, yet so overlooked: the Starbucks logo. What exactly is it? Is it some sort of goddess, or a woman of some sort? Essentially, it’s a combination of the two. It’s a mermaid of sorts, known as a “Siren”. Starbucks themselves state this, and more,

“Suddenly, there she was: a 16th century Norse woodcut of a twin-tailed mermaid, or Siren. There was something about her – a seductive mystery mixed with a nautical theme that was exactly what the founders were looking for.”

Seduction? It’s well known that this is the key characteristic of the siren. But for Starbucks themselves to admit to this, even praise the idea is a little uncomfortable to process. This is what they want their costumers to see, to envision? Yes, it is. Consider this, as well; how popular is the Starbucks logo? Anybody who hasn’t been living under a rock is able to recognize the logo as soon as they see it. Starbucks has done very well to create brand imagery, and have done so with such a specific piece of history, the Siren. The intent behind this?

The sublimely draw in costumers. To make them recognize the name that is Starbucks. The seductress cannot be denied, and therefore the company itself cannot be denied. The costumer is trapped, drawn in like an unsuspecting animal to a hunters trap. This is the first step in the process. This is the first step in the systematic uprising of the Cult of Starbucks.

Starbucks has gone with personally that there employees are not workers, but rather “partners” in the establishment. They all contribute to the overall success of the company, and therefore deserve recognition. Starbucks goes as far as to say “our goal is to create a place where everyone can be a leader”. This is much unlike that of your regular company environment. These people, no matter where they are on the corporate ladder, have the potential to be leaders. Leaders of what, you may ask? Leaders of the uprising; leaders of the Cult of Starbucks. When employed, these people become part of the plot for world domination.

Starbucks is not the only people who value there “partners”. The “J.D Power and Associates Specialty Coffee Retailer Satisfaction Report” states as so…

“The report measures overall customer satisfaction with specialty coffee retailers by examining five key factors in order of importance. They are: staff (34%), merchandise (23%), cost (18%), facility (14%) and sales/promotions (11%).”

The coffee barista is the person who is in charge of the coffee at each local Starbucks establishment, or the “partners”. These people are trained for the sole purpose of keeping the customer happy. Obviously, it has made quiet an effective impact. When one walks into Starbucks, you can only expect quality service and friendly smiles from your servers. Their ultimate point is to create the impression of professionalism. Starbucks workers are specialty strained by the company itself, going through rigorous training programs. They, thus, become the ultimate barista. The reason smaller companies can’t compete is because these partners are professionals, with an extensive knowledge in the art of coffee.

Starbucks partners have ascended the mortal realm to become “Coffee Gods”

Not only does the staff create an impression in your mind. You may not know, but design is a popular and expensive business. Let us take the example of your average supermarket. It is designed in such a way that costumers will more likely to subsume to temptation and spend more. The essential foods, such as milk or meats, are placed around the edge of the store. Assorted items are kept in the middle, serving as a sort of obstacle. You are likely to walk through here; finding something you might “impulse buys”. This is just one example of how design is used to persuade the subconscious. The examples get more extreme, coming to a point where it can be considered brainwashing. This is exactly what Starbucks does.

As Howard Schultz, company President and CEO has stated, “"We're in the business of human connection and humanity, creating communities in a third place between home and work."

The purpose is to create an environment that makes you want to stay. Forever. It creates a new home, a better home, for people to flock to. How many times have you seen people meet up at Starbucks, do schoolwork or other projects at Starbucks, or come to Starbucks as a general hangout place? Comfortable places to rest, places to charge electronics, free WI-FI, and even stocked shelves full of reading material and games at certain establishments. The comfort is like quick sand, sucking you in until you can never leave.

But who are these victims? White girls. It becomes ever more clear, now, that these are the cultist to the sinister corporate organization. They are everywhere, and we can all recognize them. They are devoted, participating in Starbucks rituals and even more. The Uggs, the leggings, the selfies, the heart emojis, and the coffee! These are all part of the ritualistic lifestyle, with Starbucks in the middle. Only they understand the complexity of these things, only they understand the ultimate agenda behind these things. They want to make themselves known. They speak a language all their own. Mocha? Cappuccino? Espresso? Sounds more like a secret language, much like the sinister Nazi code Enigma. They are plotting against us, right under our noses. They aren’t ordering coffee, they are ordering our destruction.

Case closed. Drop, the, mic.

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